Ever late for work? Boss mad? Co-workers mad? 

HERE'S THE PLACE TO BE

1) My cat vomited in my work shoes. 

2) I found a gremlin in my car. 

3)  My alarm clock decided to take revenge on the beatings, therefore refuses to go off at the RIGHT time. 

4) My doctor told me I was allergic to any thing strenuous that involves complicated thinking or moving. 

5) Hamsters ate my car keys.

6)my pet rock bit me and I had to go to the hospital for stitches.

7) I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.

8) I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.

9) I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.

10) I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.

11) My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia so now I have to go to the doctors.

12) My friend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.

13) My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.

14) I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out!

15) Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.

16) Hello, This is, ________ and I've used up all of my sick days so I'm calling in dead.

17) My doctor said that my DNA strands were detaching themselves, so I won't be into work today.

18) I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, orearly.
My stigmata's acting up.

19)I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

20)I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

21) I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the FoodGiant.

22) Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

23) I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information

24) The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.


25) I prefer to remain an enigma.

26) My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.


27) I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.