erm, hehe, there aren't many past laughs yet. YET! you gotta member, dis is a new site your lookin at.
1/22/02
Joke: Q. why do they call you booty du?
A. cause yo breath stank like yo booty du!!
huka huka huka
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Joke 1/26/o2
stupid signs
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope — talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
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2/3/02
Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. email me at to find out.
*grinning*
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2/7/02
Letters from the tooth faerie
Dear _________________ : Thank you for leaving one
[1] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
We discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy
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2/16/02
Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?
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3/2/2002
Quiet
A Sunday school teacher asked the children, "Why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?"
One child replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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3/9/02
I was sitting on a subway sitting on some newspapers and a guy walks up to me and asks, "Are you reading those?". I didn't know what to say so I stood up, turned the page and sat down again and said, "Yes sir, I am."
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3/12/02
High Neighbor!
The FBI receives an alarming call. "I'm calling to report my
neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
The next day, FBI agents search the neighbor's house, and using axes, busts open
every piece of firewood. But they find no marijuana.
Shortly after, the phone rings at the neighbor's house. "Hey neighbor! Did
the FBI come?"
"They sure did."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes they did."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
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3/29/02
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol packaging. Some of the warnings being considered for inclusion are:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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4/16/02
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
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07/26/02
There were two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin goes to the other "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" the other muffin goes. "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!"
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01/04/03
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
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1/10/03
Vacation: When parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough. The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until building is complete. As long as students have to take tests, there will be prayer in schools. Getting older is mandatory - acting older is optional! You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up! A really good scapegoat is almost as welcome as a solution to the problem. It's called jury duty not jury inconvenience because it's an obligation not an interruption. The difference between the correct word and the almost correct word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug. If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked you to stand to the right and complete the necessary forms.
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1/15/03
A police officer
in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to
let
you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the
groom!"
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1/28/03
Queen Size?