Things to put on your answering machine

 

In case you can't think of a message for your voice-mail machine, here are
some ideas.

 

My personal favorites are5, 27, and 31 

1)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.

2)Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If
you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

3)(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The
beep hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

4)Hi. Now you say something.

5)Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep. (Pause) Hello. I am David's answering
machine. What are you?

6)(From a Japanese man in Toronto:) He-ro! This is Sato. If you leave message,
I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!

7)Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.

8)Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her
tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

9)Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you.

10)This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a
number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11)Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12)Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13)If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's
safe to leave us a message.

14)You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.

15)You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of "your" voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

16)Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

17)John: Brad, will you get the phone?

Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega!

John: Ambar, will you get the phone?

Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.)

John: Aimee, will you get the phone?

Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower!

John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message.

18)Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service

19)Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

20)This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

21)Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese...

22)Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!

23)Someone stole our phone. So if you leave a message we'll run over to a neighbor's house and use their phone to call you back

24)Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

25)Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

26)Thank you for calling 911 our offices are closed because everyone is at the donut shop.....

27)You have reached the monty python silly voices preservation society, if you are the city voice, you may make your donation after the beep.

28)No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE

29)(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

30)(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

31) If you're calling for the used towels, they're still on sell for 49.99. please leave your name, number, and credit card information and I'll get back to you.